Forgiveness

I was reading the message last night and it quoted grace as aggressive forgiveness, I like that.

why is it so hard to forgive ourselves for the things we've done? its harder than forgiving others, even when they've done the same things and caused the same hurts that you have. When I was talking with G this morning and working through some tough stuff, I was suprised how much clarity that I had to speak to G about this. We came up with some pictures to describe where my heart's at:

Part of what I have to forgive in myself is impurity. I had this picture of the innocent middle-schooler me, who had just signed a youth group purity commitment. As this young me, I'm ready to through the stone at the now me, condemming myself as a slut and the worst kind of girl. I guess by my middle-school definition I am a slut, and I don't like that word or use it lightly. It's so hard to forgive myself.

The other picture G and I came up with was me in a pit. You know how we have peaks and valleys in our spiritual lives, well in the valley there are pits, that kind of pit. So I'm in this pit and I've got my rock ready to stone myself for what I've done, and there's God. I can see God's hand reaching down for me to help me out of the pit. But I'm like, "Where are we going? Where do you want to take me? It's scary up there (out of the pit)." And God tells me, "Now, I could pull you up with one hand, but it'd be better if you let go of that rock, you're gonna hurt yourself there."

I need to muster up the courage to grab God's strong hand and trust in his grace (aggresive forgiveness) or this will never get better; this cycle of stagnation with the Lord. You know how if water isn't moving it get's scummy, that kind of stagnant. He wants more from me and I need to ask and create some courage to make it happen.

What a day!

pluses and minuses all throughout the day...

(-)flat bike tire=walk to class (+)Spring in the air makes me smile (-)extreme wind gusts blow tree limb down onto my body not the best... ouch! still ouch :'( (+/-)RAIN! (+)dinner with Jenna :) (-)group project time late tonight

Things lost on Spring Break

-the book The Shack, and I was getting really into it :( -my eye glasses, probably at the hotel

short funny story: went to a bed&breakfast. It was owned my two gay ladies. Two other gay ladies were staying there. I'm pretty sure they though my best friend and I were there together, you know together. definitely a disadvantage of the short hair. a little bit of an awkward stay.

new age lingo

I just looked at a calendar and realized I have another month to go on my facebook fast. Which is sad that I'm even missing it. A thought occurred to me today while in the shower: only in today's computer lingo is friend a verb. "Would you like to friend this person?" "Yeah, I friend-ed him on facebook." When I make friends with someone in person I don't use this grammar... silly. But I guess to 'make friends' with someone might sound as funny as 'making nice'... Back to the shower. I'm really excited to see how God will provide for the KC group in practical provisions of a shower and the skilled labor to install it. Lord, I will see this as your confirmation that the Rising Star Church is where the group's supposed to be :). Though I am still unsure of God's immediate leading toward the Murder Factory neighborhood, I want so badly to be there, even right now.

Elizabeth

I've been thinking about my identity in the Lord, that I should find all identity in him. Girls prayed for me this weekend that I would find all affirmation in the LORD. Today I found it in my name, Elizabeth. Did you know that Elizabeth has over 150 active forms, that's alot of nicknames to choose from, of which I have been 5: Elizabeth, Lizzie, Lizzy, Liz and Elle. Elizabeth means: "God's promise, God's oath, concecrated to God." I want to live out my name, to be a true Elizabeth.

The Next Couple Years?

Many of us are at that point in life where we are wondering, 'just what am I going to do with my life?" and "what is God's plan for me?" It's been really cool seeing how God has been working in so many lives around me; narrowing opportunities, closing doors, surprising us with with entirely new plans that look nothing like what we've been dreaming of for the past 20 years of growing up. God you're so cool like that, always keeping us on our toes, daring us not to get too comfortable. Well before I came to college, I wanted to be a veterinarian for the longest time. I love animals, especially your domestics, dogs and cats. I worked at a vet clinic the summer before I came to K-State and decided it wasn't for me. All the scratching, vomiting, biting, fecal swabs, grooming mishaps etc...along with a nasty manager and a two-day dog hunt, got me thinking that this might not be a great career option. But I really liked those science classes I was taking, and wondered where I could still use those. Hey nursing! A lot of my mother's friends are nurses, so I got to do some job-shadowing, and my sister-in-law is also a nurse. These are some of the best women in my life and I love what they do. God is continually opening my eyes to how much nursing is a mission field, tending to his sick, and showing love in such a tangible way. (did you know that it used to be common practice for nurses to give their patients a massage every night before bed? I know I'd feel better) I would really love to be a nurse, I feel like I would be such a great tool in the kingdom with those kinds of skills, and that I could do something about the poverty that we see around us (well not around most of us in suburbia in our upper-middle class, safe lives) but the poverty we see in the world. But dammit, I didn't put in the all-out effort to make my grades impeccable(I'm sitting right above a 3.0), SLACKER!!!! And now I'm unable to get into nursing school. I feel a couple of things because of the predicament I've put myself in:

• I've let God down and myself by not doing my best in everything, that I've wasting the smarts he gave me with idle laziness
• doubt: is nursing school really His plan? or did I make that up? should I try to find something in the management/marketing field where the classes come so easy to me that I don't have to study?...these kinds of thoughts make me real with all the unknowns that I haven't looked at yet here in my almost-graduate state.

For now I'm keeping my fingers crossed about the nursing schools I've been wait-listed for (2), applied @ Rockhurst for their accelerated nursing program, and I'm looking into getting a job as a CNA with St. Luke's Hospital for this coming Fall.

This weekend (after the women's retreat!!!) I'm going with a group to KC to look into the heart of Kansas City, some of the roughest part of town, the "murder factory". I'm so excited about what's God's doing with the hearts in this group of kids. I can see Him moving and inspiring. Yes, this is a dangerous vision of rescuing a house or apartment from poverty and neglect, and trying to live a simple life as young white kids in an entirely black neighborhood, but God, I feel you calling, and I'm not afraid.

above all my heart sings, "Take my life and let it be, consecrated Lord to thee"

meaning, elizabeth: consecrated for God

Heartbreak is not at the moment you break up, that's just an emotional mess of what you're thinking at the time. Heartbreak is in the everyday stuff.

• when I was cleaning today, I found a kiss print from Ted on the window around the front door of the house, and my kiss print on the opposite side of the pane. How am I supposed to be getting over it and letting go if I keep finding things like this?
• Burning my favorite candle today and Erica asks me about it, "Oh my boy got it for, I mean.... (not my boy...)

Yesterday I was talking to my brother about how long it took him to get over his college girlfriend... I can't even talk to people about it, because I have to risk crying.

Heartbreak is wanting to talk to him so bad, but knowing I'm 'not allowed' (in the school book of life) to call him. It's when you feel so alone even when you're surrounded by people who love you. It's when you're keeping busy to push even a moment of thinking time away, can't process those thoughts, ahhh! My mind becomes the enemy because after almost 4 yrs he's such a part of everything in my life that I love... Nothing is mine, in the way that he hasn't touched it in some way.

Lord please rescue me from this.

"it's the freakin' weekend"

okay, horrible song, but I sing it in my head every time I think about the weekend, or out loud if you're one of my best-s. This weekend:

• I drove to Wichita to sit at a wrestling tournament all day, mostly to see my dad and brother, both of which are totally obsessed with amateur wrestling. I can't believe this used to be such a huge part of my life. Okay, so for those of you that have seen some wrestling, I used to be the kid that ran around the mat to towel-tap the referee when the period was over, yes I was that little girl. My brother has been wrestling since he was in the third grade, so that would have made me 5 yrs old. I spent almost every weekend of wrestling season from 5yrs old to my senior year in high school at a wrestling event. I was proudly the first wrestling manager that my high school had ever had, and used to think I was pretty big stuff because I could score three matches at once. And I was totally mad when coach asked me to train some new girls because the real reason they wanted to be there was to check out some ass (excuse my language, but you get a better picture). I find this whole wrestling part of my life a bit embarrassing, but here's a shout-out to my brother: You rock! I'm incredibly proud of you! And I wouldn't trade you for anybody!
• Also this weekend, I'm completely thrilled: count 'em, three tulips are up in the back yard! spring!!! these little green shoots with pink tips, they almost look like they're wearing lipstick :)

as a side note: big bummer, my dad made an error when reading me my acceptance letter from Avila, I've been accepted to the college, not to the nursing program. My heart about broke when I read the letter for myself. Plus I feel really foolish because I told a bunch of people that I'd been accepted.