Heartbreak is not at the moment you break up, that's just an emotional mess of what you're thinking at the time. Heartbreak is in the everyday stuff.

• when I was cleaning today, I found a kiss print from Ted on the window around the front door of the house, and my kiss print on the opposite side of the pane. How am I supposed to be getting over it and letting go if I keep finding things like this?
• Burning my favorite candle today and Erica asks me about it, "Oh my boy got it for, I mean.... (not my boy...)

Yesterday I was talking to my brother about how long it took him to get over his college girlfriend... I can't even talk to people about it, because I have to risk crying.

Heartbreak is wanting to talk to him so bad, but knowing I'm 'not allowed' (in the school book of life) to call him. It's when you feel so alone even when you're surrounded by people who love you. It's when you're keeping busy to push even a moment of thinking time away, can't process those thoughts, ahhh! My mind becomes the enemy because after almost 4 yrs he's such a part of everything in my life that I love... Nothing is mine, in the way that he hasn't touched it in some way.

Lord please rescue me from this.

What is a date anyway? Fuzzy...

First off, fuzzy navel is a funny name for a drink...haha One of my friends asked me tonight if I'd been on any dates since the split with Ted. I told her no, but that got me to thinking about all the definitions of dates that my girl friends have. Seriously, everyone's idea is different, making a date a very fuzzy thing.

• It's been suggested to me that hanging out one-on-one with someone is a date. In this case you could have a date with a friend easy. example: a coffee date, a lunch date. I think this kind of date is brief and a time to catch up on life while enjoying a bit of food/beverage in a public place with other peeps around.
• Another suggestion comes around the idea of monetary delegation. Does the guy pay for the girl: a date? This one is very fuzzy for me because I have many guy friends that would never think to let me pay for a meal/beverage with them. I much appreciate their graciousness! but it's enough to make a friend feel guilty.
• Okay, so this one seems like a given to me: 'dinner and a movie'! If a guy asks me for this kind of time, I assume a date because this is a classic dating setting. Correct me if I am wrong.
• One friend suggested to me, "Do you do romantic things together?" This is so broad, because the friend/date could possibly not even know what is romantic to you. ugh!

haha I feel like this is all unnecessarily frustrating I:/ hmmm

So the only real way that I have found to clearly define a date is physicality. Holding hands, cuddling, kissing: all date worthy. But then a friend of mine says that many chaste couples don't do many of these physical things until they're married...and the frustration of the date idea continues.

Finality

This is a taste of what I'm feeling: After this week, and specifically after today, I have realized that my time with Ted is over, and that my life will go on without him in it. That's hard to admit, I stopped typing for a minute to let that sink in. We realized that both of us were too damn stubborn to be able to change for the other person, and what was needing to change was too foundational in the people we are as individuals. Realized that we were headed in other directions, in a way very selfish on both of our parts, but both of us seem to believe that this kind of selfishness, not changing for the other, is justifiable. It's hard to know that I'm leaving behind a deep love for him and his love for me. I feel like part of me will die here for a while, that part of me that was his girl and the exact person I was to him. One of my roommates told me last that, "Maybe God just really wants to have a relationship with you right now." I think she may be right. I do have a relationship my Lord, but a romance I think is what He is looking for. For Him to mean more to me than any person in this world, that's what to be had here.

So we broke up...and it's hard, but it feels right, and this is what he said--- Hey Lizzard, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about what happened tonight. I didn't intend to split us up this weekend, it just kind of happened tonight because it felt right. I know you are hurting, and I hope you know that I am too. It sucks that I managed to do this right as you're about to take a bunch of really important tests, but I hope you can get your mind off us and on that tasks at hand. I'm praying for you and cheering you on for the rest of this semester, peach. I love you very much and these last 3 and a half years have been the best of my life. I am the man I am today because I met you, Liz. I can never thank you enough for the awesome relationship I've had with you. You've done for me something that I could never repay: you introduced me and inspired me to Christ. That type of gift cannot be repaid. I just want to let you know how much I cherish everything that I've had with you, good and bad. I told you once that I would get rid of all of our keepsakes if we ever split up, but I'm telling you now that I'm going to hold onto them and cherish them all of my life. You are a spectacular young woman, Liz. You are talented, funny, inspiring, smart, and beautiful. You're everything that I could have ever asked for in a girlfriend and I want to thank you for everything you've done. I love you so much. P.S. You and I both know that we cannot speak to each other for a while. How long is a while? As long as it takes for both of us to fully move on. That might be a couple months or more than a year for either of us. Just know that I don't want to forever sever contact with you, EJ. We're just too good of friends to do that. I'd also prefer not to stop being friends on FB. I promise I won't unfriend you this time :-). In Him. --that means so much to me