Forgiveness

I was reading the message last night and it quoted grace as aggressive forgiveness, I like that.

why is it so hard to forgive ourselves for the things we've done? its harder than forgiving others, even when they've done the same things and caused the same hurts that you have. When I was talking with G this morning and working through some tough stuff, I was suprised how much clarity that I had to speak to G about this. We came up with some pictures to describe where my heart's at:

Part of what I have to forgive in myself is impurity. I had this picture of the innocent middle-schooler me, who had just signed a youth group purity commitment. As this young me, I'm ready to through the stone at the now me, condemming myself as a slut and the worst kind of girl. I guess by my middle-school definition I am a slut, and I don't like that word or use it lightly. It's so hard to forgive myself.

The other picture G and I came up with was me in a pit. You know how we have peaks and valleys in our spiritual lives, well in the valley there are pits, that kind of pit. So I'm in this pit and I've got my rock ready to stone myself for what I've done, and there's God. I can see God's hand reaching down for me to help me out of the pit. But I'm like, "Where are we going? Where do you want to take me? It's scary up there (out of the pit)." And God tells me, "Now, I could pull you up with one hand, but it'd be better if you let go of that rock, you're gonna hurt yourself there."

I need to muster up the courage to grab God's strong hand and trust in his grace (aggresive forgiveness) or this will never get better; this cycle of stagnation with the Lord. You know how if water isn't moving it get's scummy, that kind of stagnant. He wants more from me and I need to ask and create some courage to make it happen.

Hope in God Alone

"I called upon the Lord in distress:

the Lord answered me,

and set me in a large place.

It is better to trust in the Lord

than to put confidence in man.

It is better to trust the Lord

than to put confidence in princes."

Psalm 118:5

You must despair of finding help anywhere else. While a person runs to any and everybody and puts more confidence in men than in God, he may go to the best man on earth, to an apostle or an angel, and it will avail him nothing. He might as well go to a child, as far as efficient help is concerned. I have told sinner sometimes, "I won't pray for you, not have anything to do with you, if you are going to depend on me and put me in the place of the Savior. Go to Christ if you want help."

It is a species of trusting in an arm of flesh that God abhors. Many will flee to books, to anything, and sometimes even to the Bible and put it in the place of God and cleave to such vain help, until God compels the to look to Him alone. My advice: Look to Jesus Christ and prove God herewith, and you shall find that God "will open the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing that there shall not be room enough to receive it" (Malachi 3:10)

Charles G. Finney

• I am so guilty of putting my trust in others before God. I become impatient to hear from the Lord and look to friends for their advice. But this is no good, for then how do I know that it is actually God's will that I've heard. I find the above harsh when he says he won't pray or have anything to do with the person until they've consulted Christ. But it's so true! We need to seek God first above all else, to hear His heart and go to him immediately. The promise of the verse from Malachi brings me to tears today: that God will pour out a blessing that there will not be enough room to receive it. I cling to that hope today.

• Today Jenna spoke a vision over me that she had while we were at Vineyard:

I had been crying for such a long time.

God was looking down on me with breaking heart.

I had to walk to Him and He opened his arms to embrace me

And I fell into the arms of God's embrace and was weak and crying there.

• Jenna says I have to walk to him, the clearest vision she's ever had for anyone. Thank you Jenna

For some years now, my picture of heaven has been me climbing up into God's lap, as the child I once was into a pappa's lap, and looking up into His face and we smile at each other. This picture of intimacy with the Lord is precious to me and believe me, heaven to my heart. Jenna's vision is very close to this picture of close intimacy with God. But I am afraid of being weak, of letting down my defenses, do I even have time to cry? I know I can bring everything to Lord and that he knows me to my inmost parts, but I haven't been this close with him in so long or ever.