What is a date anyway? Fuzzy...

First off, fuzzy navel is a funny name for a drink...haha One of my friends asked me tonight if I'd been on any dates since the split with Ted. I told her no, but that got me to thinking about all the definitions of dates that my girl friends have. Seriously, everyone's idea is different, making a date a very fuzzy thing.

• It's been suggested to me that hanging out one-on-one with someone is a date. In this case you could have a date with a friend easy. example: a coffee date, a lunch date. I think this kind of date is brief and a time to catch up on life while enjoying a bit of food/beverage in a public place with other peeps around.
• Another suggestion comes around the idea of monetary delegation. Does the guy pay for the girl: a date? This one is very fuzzy for me because I have many guy friends that would never think to let me pay for a meal/beverage with them. I much appreciate their graciousness! but it's enough to make a friend feel guilty.
• Okay, so this one seems like a given to me: 'dinner and a movie'! If a guy asks me for this kind of time, I assume a date because this is a classic dating setting. Correct me if I am wrong.
• One friend suggested to me, "Do you do romantic things together?" This is so broad, because the friend/date could possibly not even know what is romantic to you. ugh!

haha I feel like this is all unnecessarily frustrating I:/ hmmm

So the only real way that I have found to clearly define a date is physicality. Holding hands, cuddling, kissing: all date worthy. But then a friend of mine says that many chaste couples don't do many of these physical things until they're married...and the frustration of the date idea continues.

So I know that the Surveys are stupid, but...

Favorite candy bar? -snickers do you like beer? -its definitely growing on me have you ever slapped someone? -no, but I bet a good bitch slap would be very satisfying favorite breakfast meal? -I love to make pancakes! And that song “makin banana pancakes” Do you own a gun? -no, but I’ve shot one What did you do last night? -knitting leg warmers for a friend and watched the snow come in: beautiful, relaxing Have you ever been in a castle? -Yes! O Europe… ever called somebody Boo? -haha, no Side note: it’s hard to come up with pet names for guys, men have it easier for this, so if you know any none-gross guy pet names, fill me in do you smoke? -No, and if you do, please stop, statistically it shortens your life twentyish years Favorite physical features of the preferred sex? - haha weird, but I love it when guys wear thick flannel shirts, they look so strong and snuggly at the same time, I call this lumber jack syndrome lol -I’ve been joking about this in the past semester, but I feel like I’ve become a woman now because I’m finding facial hair attractive on guys. -some muscle on my man, sorry to all you skinny guys Are you afraid of the dark? -the only times I’ve encountered demons was when it was dark in the room, I called out for the Lord and he was there, but the memories of darkness still have a small affect Have you ever eaten paste? -sure: tomato, bean, some toothpastes I’m sure Have you ever stripped? -haha, confession, I haven’t done it in a while, but I love to strip (blush) Have you ever broken someone’s heart? -unfortunately, yes has anyone ever called you a tease? -not to my face, but I’m afraid that I’m guilty of leading a few peeps on do you own a car? -yes, how blessed are we to have such luxuries Can you cook? -love to cook! 3 things that annoy you? -being ‘watched’ -missing the grade by a couple points -hang nails, ouch What is ur favorite quote? -I love corny jokes… ‘Confucius say,” Man who fart in church, sit in pew.” What do you want more than anything right now? -a long hot shower Do you enjoy scary movies? -please no! Do you enjoy greasy food? -I luv french fries Do you own a box of crayons? -yep, on of those big boxes, with the sharpener in back :]

Home for the Holidays

It's good to be home for the holidays. The parents are so welcoming, and there's the cat and the dog to hug on. The Christmas decorations are all up, Mom even put a Christmas candle and new soap in my bathroom. :]

Signs of change: I don't feel like I fit in around the house. the furnishings seem so fancy compared to my hand-me-down room in Manhattan, where the only thing new is my mattress. When I come home it's as if the old me has to confront the now me. All my old stuff, including my (confession) some 20 extra pairs of shoes. (shaking head) This is not the life I want for myself, surrounded but a surplus of elegant things. When I read a western story, the ladies in these books are so cool, all their stuff fits into a single trunk, awesome. So there's a goal: get to a point where everything I need can fit into a single trunk.

Today I'm makin' ginger bread cookie cut outs to be decorated in the mountains on our trip. Also give Snickers a bath, so she'll be fancy for Christmas. Much knitting to happen today as well. And time to relax, go.

hold it together

So today has been really tough, busy with the overwhelmingness of finals, and probably too much thinking. I miss him, Ted. And in trying to hold it together, I have to keep pushing him out of my mind. Don't let those bottled-up tears out until everything is through this semester. Keep yourself busy and distracted Liz, so you don't have to deal with what you're feeling, exhaust yourself so you'll go right to sleep @ night without having to think things through. Yeah, too much thinking time today. I've spent alot of the day feeling foolish for how I'm 'dealing' with things right now, but if I let go emotionally, there goes the hope of even retaining one bit of what I'm studying. Feel so foolish knowing that the person I spill my guts to is the one I miss.

Favorites

I loved reading Jenna and Ranger's lists, so here's mine to go along with.

• a big ol hug
• the smell of pine and dirt on the air in Colorado
• snuggling with someone I trust
• peppermint tea
• dancing for myself
• makin something crappy into something cool
• watching a garden grow
• pretty underwear
• making a present
• baking cookies, muffins, bread
• catching up with a friend and finding out that the time away was nothing and you're still good
• receiving a compliment that's real and makes you feel like it was all God
• pedicures from the little asian place I go in KC for a special treat -"U wan flower? let dry fiv"
• romantic walks
• big fires
• bare feet in the summer grass
• finishing a good book
• singin my lungs out when no one can hear
• some good smooching (sorry, but it is a fav)
• playing in quartet
• trying something new with a friend that loves it
• earning trust
• anytime with my brother, Joe
• freedom of some independence

what's that smell?

Tonight, my roomate gave me back my standard black wrap dress that I wear for concerts, which I have a concert tomorrow. As I was leaving the room I smelled the dress to see if it was clean, as she hollered after me,"It's clean, I washed it." which in fact she had, but something in me was dissapointed and I thought, it doesn't smell like me. Ted always used to say, "You smell amazing!" and I'd say, "What do I smell like" he'd say, "You" And I never got that until tonight when I was smelling my dress got back from Erica. It's so facinating to me that people actually have a smell, and I mean beyond the products they use to clean themeselves or lotions, colognes, deodrants etc... That each individual has a chemical aroma that they put off, and then we can smell in our noses, all different. so cool :]

Born of the Virgin Mary

In this Christmas season, I have discovered that my heart is hardened to the idea of Mary. Mary, Jesus' mother, her deity and how the catholic church adores her, that just doesn't sit right with me. I was thinking tonight as my stand partner in orchestra told me that she was pregnant, how excited I was for her, but just last week I felt my heart hardened to one of my sorority sisters pregnancy news. The difference is that my stand partner is married and my sorority sister isn't. But that got me thinkin' about Mary, she was an unwed mother, the mother of our Lord was unmarried when she got pregnant. Why in my heart do I not rejoice at my sister's baby, but for my stand partner, I do rejoice. If I had known Mary in her time would I have rejoiced with her? This makes my heart hurt, not rejoicing with our Lord's mother at the birth of our Savior. I know God's at work here, working on my compassion and how to see this world with merciful eyes. Ave Maria Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Finality

This is a taste of what I'm feeling: After this week, and specifically after today, I have realized that my time with Ted is over, and that my life will go on without him in it. That's hard to admit, I stopped typing for a minute to let that sink in. We realized that both of us were too damn stubborn to be able to change for the other person, and what was needing to change was too foundational in the people we are as individuals. Realized that we were headed in other directions, in a way very selfish on both of our parts, but both of us seem to believe that this kind of selfishness, not changing for the other, is justifiable. It's hard to know that I'm leaving behind a deep love for him and his love for me. I feel like part of me will die here for a while, that part of me that was his girl and the exact person I was to him. One of my roommates told me last that, "Maybe God just really wants to have a relationship with you right now." I think she may be right. I do have a relationship my Lord, but a romance I think is what He is looking for. For Him to mean more to me than any person in this world, that's what to be had here.

God's Romance

I received flowers from God tonight on my doorstep! how exciting :oD

To:Liz

From: God

Luv ya

I must also include that there were snap dragons in the flowers, which God knows are my favorite :oD. My roomates didn't know this, so I'll share it here too, but if you pinch the base of a snap dragon flower, the 'mouth' of the petals with open! at which I must audibly 'rarh'! to narrate this flowers' awesomeness!

(left, pink snap dragon)

Haiti

Haiti research Topic: GARDENING One of the most common strategies involves growing vegetables in recycled containers, particularly old tires because they are easy to find, inexpensive, and durable. As a result, graduates of these sessions have started cultivating amaranth, Swiss chard, tomatoes, eggplant, beets, carrots, Chinese cabbage, lettuce, peas, leeks, peppers, and other produce. To make the best use of local resources, two community groups are trying to organize composting at the neighbourhood level. Indeed, some participants are already making their own compost. The project has also helped participants deal with scarce water supplies by sprinkling their gardens with recycled household wastewater. Other resources being put to use include cow and horse manure, and bagasse (sugar cane residue).

So we broke up...and it's hard, but it feels right, and this is what he said--- Hey Lizzard, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about what happened tonight. I didn't intend to split us up this weekend, it just kind of happened tonight because it felt right. I know you are hurting, and I hope you know that I am too. It sucks that I managed to do this right as you're about to take a bunch of really important tests, but I hope you can get your mind off us and on that tasks at hand. I'm praying for you and cheering you on for the rest of this semester, peach. I love you very much and these last 3 and a half years have been the best of my life. I am the man I am today because I met you, Liz. I can never thank you enough for the awesome relationship I've had with you. You've done for me something that I could never repay: you introduced me and inspired me to Christ. That type of gift cannot be repaid. I just want to let you know how much I cherish everything that I've had with you, good and bad. I told you once that I would get rid of all of our keepsakes if we ever split up, but I'm telling you now that I'm going to hold onto them and cherish them all of my life. You are a spectacular young woman, Liz. You are talented, funny, inspiring, smart, and beautiful. You're everything that I could have ever asked for in a girlfriend and I want to thank you for everything you've done. I love you so much. P.S. You and I both know that we cannot speak to each other for a while. How long is a while? As long as it takes for both of us to fully move on. That might be a couple months or more than a year for either of us. Just know that I don't want to forever sever contact with you, EJ. We're just too good of friends to do that. I'd also prefer not to stop being friends on FB. I promise I won't unfriend you this time :-). In Him. --that means so much to me

Superhero

So I have these red polar fleece gloves with cuffs to keep out the cold, these aren't cute gloes by any means, but I was thinking that they would make fantastic super hero gloves for a costume... I mean super suit!!! hahahah

I think we've all dreamed of having super powers or being a super hero, cuz come on, that would be cool. I have always thought that being Wonder Woman would be awesome, "I am Wonder Woman!" So I look down at these fire-engine red gloves I have, and for a moment I am a super hero and I smile. You know the kind of super hero from the collector cards, with amazing boobs, tiny waist and muscle enough to clobber the bad guys. Yeah that would be cool, but only in my mind. hah!

Workin' on my current goals: NAT Pool Hours Monday, Wednesday, Friday 6-7:30am, 11:30am-2:30pm, 7:30-10pm Tuesday, Thursday 6-7:30am, 11:30am-2:30pm, *5-6pm (for lap swimming only), 7:30-10pm Saturday & Sunday 1-5pm and 7-10pm if anyone wants to start swimming with me, let me know :o]

It's interesting how people see themselves and what attributes they apply to themselves. A friend of mine calls himself a "wander-er" and another friend who is always calling himself fat. I wonder how we attach ourselves to these reflections, be the reflection poor or true. My boyfriend is always telling me "you're gorgeous," "you're pretty," "Liz, you're beautiful." And my reaction is to make a funny or ugly face, everytime. What's with that? I hear and take in the compliment, but can't accept it or be grateful for it. That's just his view, the same way your parents have to love you and think you're beautiful. It's funny how love makes you see people differently. So I can't take compliments from people that love me, lol. Because that's not truth, it's just a poor reflection of what they see in me. I'm not doggin' on myself here, just tryin' to see humor in the little things.

Current Goals:

• start workin' out again, I'm feelin' some winter chubb. maybe swimming, I like the NAT.
• love on Meredith, a lot (I've been so bad, and snapped and felt hateful so many times)
• make time for reading by cutting out TV time

yeah it'd be great to get some of these started